Spontaneous Adventures of N
by kkkitn666
Summary: Kinola: You plan to write 38,902,358 chapters for this fic? Good luck.
1. Colress

Bluetooth Boy Colress ran around Ghetsis's pirate ship with N's sacred Yankee baseball cap in his hands. "You can't catch me!"

"I'm going to tell dad to liberate your Pokemon if you don't give that back, you _mongrel_!"

"Too effin' bad, he can't do that! I caught Kyurem for him yesterday so he respects me 100%. Txt it!"

"I hate to break it to you, but I sold my soul to Darkrai last night, so if you want to keep your life, I suggest you stop, you blond-haired queer!"

Colress tripped and whined into the boat like a bratty, Paris Hilton chihuahua. "I swear to God, if you threaten me, I'll send out Cresse-!"

"No, you pawn," N stepped on top of the maniacal scientist, bobbing up and down on his lower back with no remorse. Surely this was going to cause Colress some pain later. "I'm holding her captive in my PC, so you can't cleanse me of my already blackened soul."

Colress muffled a cry, clutching N's hat really hard, defeated.

"Hat now, or you're going to have nightmares for the rest of your eternity! Take your pick, you tit!"

"Y-you can have your hat, oh chosen one...!"

"Nightmares no more!" N got off of the defenseless dude, and Colress waved his relic around in the air like a white flag.

"Thanks you wankah," a little bit of brit poured and gleamed from N's dark soul. He straightened his poor cap before putting it on backward, mocking Ash's I-just-caught-a-Caterpie stance.

Colress giggled and jumped to his feet in excitement. "Want to see our new beds?"

There was no waiting for a response with this scientist. Colress took N's hand and flew the coop into the basement. When they got there, low and behold, Rosa was caught snoozing in one. The rest of them were, well, unmade and tainted at this point.

"Rosa...!" The blond's eyes widened and popped out of his skull, holding his mouth in shock.

N arched a brow and put his hands on his hips. "Guess they're not very new now, are they?"

"Don't be such a slut."

"That was a _LOW BLOW_! Only dad can call me that you fruit cake!"

And with that, Zekrom blew up the pirate ship and not a single fraction of new bed was left.


	2. Hugh

"I can't believe the Shadow Triad ruined my sister's Purrloin," Hugh curled up in Ghetsis's room, head in his hands.

"It will be okay. I talk to Pokemon, heh," N picked his nose and flicked a booger off his finger, chomping a half-eaten Casteliacone.

"Really? Open parenthesis colon," Hugh smiled an entire emote through verbal communication. Not only was he a scene queen, he was a hipster. A scenester, that is what Hugh was.

N shrugged and kicked at the ground. "So... that Liepard of yours hates your guts. Whoops. What was sooo... important about this one again?"

"Oh my Genesect! Everyone has been asking me that, and I honestly don't even know the answer to that! There are so many Purrloin, I don't know why I didn't just get her another one!"

"Okay, just get a grip Hugh. That Liepard is a little autistic in the head, so I recommend that you check yourself before you wreck yourself and try to tame it again."

"It's... just... It wasn't like this five years ago, okay?"

"Do you need a tissue for that issue?" N asked, taking a box of Kleenex out of his black hole of a pocket.


	3. Nate

"Yo, you look like my hot rival from a game ago," N said to Nate five steps away from him.

Nate grumbled at the green haired freak, keeping quiet. He pulled out a Pokeball, then looked at N. With a point to the ball, he wondered if N wanted a battle.

"No, I'm saying you're hot and I want to-"

The clueless protagonist whipped out his Pokedex, scrolling around to the first few Fire Pokemon he could find. Tepig, Combusken and Charmander appeared on the screen for N to see. Was it this he meant?

"No, idiot!" N kicked Nate in the bonkers, getting a little frustrated. "How stupid are you?"

Sentence formulation was not a forte of Nate's. The male shrugged and began to think sexually about Colress, his dream boyfriend. Silence was his only hope in a situation like this.

For many moments, N did not realize how awkwardly Nate was nonverbal. When he did figure it out, Natural Ghetsis Harmonia made his Sandshrew use Dig for no reason. It was just an urge, he guessed.

"Okay, I have an idea," N said, hoping for the best. "You know Pokemon moves, that's all anyone hears you say! Reply to me with them, okay?"

Nate could only nod.

"How do you feel about me?"

"Captivate... Charm. Leer?" Nate wondered if that even made sense.

"I lower your defense, do I?" N's boner grew.

Eyes wide and scared, Nate shook his head wildly. "Defense Curl! Curse!" He pointed at himself, "Me a Normal Type." He then pointed to N, "You a Ghost Type."

"I have a Ring Target we can use to Attract each other, if ya know what I mean." N winked.

In protest, the poor Nate shook his head. "Pound! ...Tackle! Body Slam?!"

Quick to respond, N said, "Hypnosis," and conjured up Darkrai, who sent Nate into a world of hurt. With no regrets, N made his move on Nate a couple of times before ditching him in the sewers.

"Heh."


	4. Alder

"Thanks for the Deino plush, Alder!" An 8 year old N smiled, hugging it close. "This is much better than the one my dad got at the black market!"

N was wearing an elf suit, because it was Christmas and young 20 year old Alder was wearing a poofy Santa costume. He was not fat, he was just fluffy! Alder gave N some laced cookies. However, they were not the druggy kind of kind. They were toxic lint balls that N did not take the time to inspect. Now poisoned, N started to walk and, for once, did not lose any HP. It only took 16 years for programmers to realize what a shitty status condition Poisoned was, but N didn't complain. He was a part of a new generation. The bad generation. At least he wasn't going to have to worry about fainting before getting to a Pokemon Center, that was for sure.

A few moments later, N woke up from his flashback and closed his eyes. "Zorua, fuck..." N ground Zorua's mouth to the gullet, shaking in pleasure. Something about Zorua's warm tongue licking his flesh made N's body twitch wildly.

The Pokemon started choking and rumbling against his master's member, his reflexes trying to swallow it continuously. N's tip leaked a bout of precum into its stomach, sending the Dark-type into a gagging fit, saliva coating N more than moments before.

"You're so hot and cute," N thrust deeply into the small organism, moaning, heart racing. "God I'm gonna blow a load."

And so he blew his load into Zorua's tummy and made Zorua throw up all over the place and this instance made N beat it repulsively "Whoa, whoa! You know dad is the only one who has a fetish for puking Pokemon! Get out!"


	5. Marlon

"I sometimes just get really confused, okay?" Marlon squeezed his crotch area like the ghetto ass bitch he was.

N tried to pull the black male's pants down but he realized that they weren't pants. Marlon was a merman with feet. "Marlon, your feet are white."

"There is _no need_ have to point that out _to me_, OKAY!" Marlon started to cry into his goggles. "My pigment stops working when m-m..."

N cracked up and sobbed.

Then Lenora popped outta no where and grabbed N by his seemingly put-up-in-a-ponytail hair.

She smacked him a couple of times with a pancake pan. "No, no! No! No! NO!"

"His feet are white, his feet are _white_!" N's head busted open.

Then Lenora cheated on her husband with Marlon because they were the worst couple. Lenora and Marlon are the ultimate Afro Unovian pair ever. There is no better team.


	6. Juniper

"Cook me a thing, Nnny-poo!" Juniper barked like an Arcanine, making echoes in her very empty lab.

"What do you effing want now?!" N cried depressingly, drunk off gin he milked from an alcoholic Purrloin.

Junpier strutted over and fell on top of him, making the couch collapse underneath him because of their combined weight. She had gained nearly 200 points. Her stupid ex-husband told her she needed to increase her BMI to the equivalence of a Snorlax's one day, and then she went overboard with it. They got divorced soon after and N was her rebound at this point. Not to mention a mighty fine chef.

The Pokemon scientist choked on the gummy worms stored inside her hamster cheeks and rolled her eyes. "You know what I want. Mareep pie. I crave it, N. I need it."

"You had 2 tons of that earlier today at Regirock Restaurant!"

Stuttering to argue back at him, Junpier managed a, "No! Theirs... they... they um..."

N snarled at her angrily. "Just because I'm a chef goddess makes it okay for you to use and abuse!"

"Ya it does. I'm a professor, thank you, and I do as I please."

N cried louder and did an Ishita-siddhi on Juniper so he could stand up. Sad and lonely, N slew a Mareep.

When he walked back in an hour later with the pie, Juniper was no where in sight. "Yoy," he meowed. He waltzed back over to the couch and drank gin right from the utter, sighing.


	7. Clay

2 years passed since he visited Heartbreaker Charles. N wasn't too particularly excited, because one time they did crack in the empty warehouse and the crack froze and turned into icicles in their throats.

To the stores! N thought. He wanted to buy some PP Ups from the Plasma Grunt in there. However, he was replaced by some flowery lookin' chick. N started to cry.

Outside the shops, he spotted Charles in the distance. Another breath later, N broke down to the ground, having flashbacks of the horribly frigid icicles.

Charles zoomed toward N with his motorcycle and ran over N's hand. "Oh, bro, sorry 'bout that. I'm mad. I won a rotation battle. I'm mad."

"Screw off," N wheezed. "I hate my life."

He held his hand up to his chest and rocked back and forth like he had Shaken baby syndrome.

"Dude, it's okay, we can drink bottles of LSD instead. I got ya covered," Charles bit his motorcycle in half and burped a bubble for a great cause. Except not really whatsoever at all.

"No!" N passed out.

He woke up some time later in Clay's arms, feeling like he was just raped.

"Hey, hey no-ow!" Clay sang happily, quoting his favorite Lizzie Mcguire song. "I saved you from Heartbreaka. He was sexing you. He's gay now."

"That shit's not cute," N said angrily, feeling higher than a kite. Charles's cum was probably chop full of LSD substance at this point. What a druggie.

"You're okay though, bro," Clay sounded like someone oddly familiar. "'Fuck me in the booty hole,' like you always say. You had it coming N, literally. Anyway, I love you babes. Peace."

Clay ran out the tunnel and hopped onto a mole. They ditched N and dug their way out without looking back.

"Fuck," N said and threw a Pokeball out of his belt. A prehistoric, flamboyant, gay bird came out. "Archeo...p...s...?"

"Get me out of here!"

He jumped onto his faggot and rode to the top of the cave, tapped the ceiling and the whole cave collapsed from N's nobility.

Free, N smiled and drank some opium leaking from Archeops's butt.


	8. Drayden

"Drayden, something about your flashy smile just really turns me on," the green-haired anti-hero flaunted his long, fake eyelashes at the old guy.

For a moment, the white-haired Dragon trainer looked confused. "W-what was that?" There was a hint of gayness to his overwhelmingly charming voice.

Angry and not repeating himself, N backflipped into a wall and groaned. "Your beard is the most mechanical-looking gidget in all of Unova."

Drayden stuck a finger in his ear and sneezed. "That's blaphemy!"

Before N could react, Drayden called Haxorus out of its Pokeball and it screeched happily.

"Haxorus, I haven't cleaned this gym in a fairly large amount of time."

Haxorus took this as a sign. Without hesitation, it activated Mold Breaker and broke all of the white, fuzzy mold that occupied the Gym.

"Thank," Drayden said.

N broke. He was mold. RIP.


	9. Grimsley

take _this _Nibiru-Mul! hahahaHAhahAHahA

* * *

N fell into the black couch in Grimsley's room, hugging the cushions underneath him. "Grimsley, I think you could be the next Dracula."

"I think I have a gambling addiction," Grimsley said warily, shuddering at the thought, while he pretended to be a stripper on the one of four poles that surrounded the last piece of furniture he owned. "I gambled my life away, N! I don't even have a sofa now!"

"Remember when every Game Corner in every Pokemon game was taken out of the European versions? Remember when they said that wasn't fair, so every other nation had to give up Game Corner too? That means Unova doesn't have slot machines and that means... YOU AREN'T A GAMBLING ADDICT!" N snapped both his fingers and pointed at Grimsley slyly.

"One time, I bet my family that I would win a game of Pokér, then I lost my family!" Grimsley cried.

N started to sob at what a touching story Grimsley told, deciding to record it later that night in his diary. "You have a lot of gel in your hair and that's all that matters!"

"R-really?"

"I also like your shoes!" N took a tissue out of his pocket and dabbed his wet eyelids with it.

"Oh, I hate myself so much." Grimsley sighed.

What came next... surprised N to the fullest. The platform they were on was held up by chains, and there was space between it and the wall... And.. And...

And Grimsley stepped backward toward the edge, a hand at his chest. "This is the end, N..." Then he jumped.

Soon after, a Swoobat flew up from the black hole underneath N and croaked, batting its wings and weeping gallons of tears.

"Oh my _god_."


	10. Burgh

"Remember when you were important to the plot." N asked without a questioning tone, hanging by a spider web in the Castelia City's gym. "I feel like there's nothing to make fun of about you besides your 5-minute importance."

Burgh, frustrated trying to paint a 1600s styled portrait of N, stabbed himself lightly in the gut with his Family Dollar brand of paint brush. "Would you please shut the heck up. I am an aspiring artist. So what do you think about bones."

"Are you sure you're asking the right person?"

"What," Burgh said all trance-y. "I don't understand a beep boop diddly squat about what you're saying."

"Huh."

"If you're trying to make fun of me about relevancy, you were only here in Unova for about one scene and caused a tearjerker by calling Ghetsis your dad."

"I..." N looked away and fell off the cobweb because his depression was leaking through his ear holes.

Burgh ran a hand through his own hair and stated, "I'm also a fashion designing genius prodigy."

"You're just about as ugly as Bugsy except you have the wardrobe of Alexander McQueen. RIP."

"McQueen turned to bones. I like bones," Burgh peeled off dry paint from his armpit and ripped out the painting he made of N and glued it to his face with red paint.

"Yeah."

* * *

sometimes i get really inspired by overly translated Chinese novels about Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning by Tao Lin


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